Much to Blog About!

First and foremost, I am BACK, baby! I WI this morning and I got rid of that nasty 4 pounds from last week, and I lost an additional 0.2!! My goal for today is just to make it through the night at work staying OP, and not letting stress be an excuse to shove unhealthy crap into my mouth! I'm just waiting for my scrubs to finish washing so I can pop them in the dryer and hit the gym for a little bit. I just added about 250 songs to my iPod, so I am PUMPED! I still have more songs on my old computer that I need to transfer to my iPod at some point too. My old desktop computer is on its last legs though, so that might take a while- it's very slow!!

It is absolutely beautiful outside today. It was so hard to leave the coast this morning, as it was even more amazing there with the ocean breeze. Alas, it's pretty great outside back at home, and I'm really bummed I have to leave it to go to work in a few hours! At least we spring forward this weekend, and I will have to work one less hour! I'm sure the cheapos at my job will stiff us for that hour too. Whatever!

D and I did something really, really, reallyreallyreally fun this past week! We went RING SHOPPING!! I found a few different styles that I like, so that he can ultimately be picking the ring out on his own, but I won't end up with some hideous heart-shaped diamond. He is admittedly unsure about what to buy, so he appreciated the help. When one of the jewelry store sales ladies asked us when we were planning on getting married, I was just getting ready to open my mouth to say that we hadn't really talked about it when D busted out with, "probably in 2010." WHOA! I'm all for it but that will be here before we know it and I have lots of weight to lose. I told him that I wanted to get skinny for the wedding, and he said, "But.....just for the wedding. There's no real point in that!" I know a lot of brides get all crazy and desperate, but I'm hoping to reach goal a few months before then, and hopefully just be working on maintaining at that point. Which means I have to get very, very serious. No more half-assing it, no more letting work ruin my days and eat up all my points, no more skipping exercise. I want to be beautiful for that day. There are already so, so, so many important days in my life that were marred by feeling overweight and uncomfortable in my own skin: graduation from college (the first AND second time), my best friend J's wedding, more recently my friend G's wedding, my first date with D, etc. I don't want to have that awful feeling on my wedding day, but furthermore, I don't want that awful feeling anymore at ALL.

I know I am the queen of making excuses so that I can allow myself to eat out of control. I know I am the queen of being able to manipulate my own brain when things are a little difficult to plan (like meals when I'm at D's house, or when we go out to dinner) but it CAN be done. I did it in college and that was no joyride either. Lots of planning and decision-making had to take place in order for me to have fun while in college and still lose weight on Weight Watchers. The thing is, I've been doing Weight Watchers, in one form or another since I was 20. That's almost ten years. Sure, I've been off the program for a long time, obviously, or I wouldn't have gained 50 pounds in the last 6 years, but each and every time I have put something in my mouth, ever since I was 20 years old, I have mentally calculated the points value and struggled internally with how that food would affect my weight. It was whether or not I chose to count those points and actually STOP at my points target that dictated my weight over the years. I get all whiny when I think about Weight Watchers being a "lifestyle change" because, like anyone else, I want to eat what I want and not worry about my weight. But I am not one of those people. My lifestyle has already changed.

I think Weight Watchers had the most profound effect on me when I started at age 20. I knew nothing about portion control, calories, etc. It really changed how I saw food, and has since then made me constantly aware of what I've been putting into my body. The difference over the years has been whether or not I've decided to be in denial about these facts. And I've been in denial a LOT. Sure it's not fair that my friends appear to be able to go out and have a good time and not think about how it will show up on the scale the next day- but MOST of them either exercise regularly, restrict their eating in other ways (healthy and unhealthy) or a combination of both. No one truly is getting to eat what they want and not gain weight. Even my lovely boyfriend, who, seemingly can eat whatever he wants, pays for it in other ways. For instance, if he eats two cheeseburgers for dinner, he probably hasn't had lunch, and won't likely have dessert or anything after the fact for that matter. His mind works differently, sure. He doesn't put near the amount of thought into what he eats, but he trims the fat so to speak in other ways. He never throws the towel in for the entire day if he eats something unhealthy. There IS some thought going on there, even with him. It may be different than my own thought patterns regarding food, but the truth is, everyone who is skinny and staying that way is burning more than they are putting in. That's what I have to do. No more living in denial or feeling as if life is unfair.

Life will be MORE unfair if I hate my wedding pictures because of my big arms and fat stomach. Not to mention, I want to start our lives together on a healthy note. Its about reclaiming my life before I turn 50 years old and regret living almost my entire life as an overweight person. It's time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life. I admit and take ownership of the fact that yes, sometimes I will have 4 points for the day and it will suck that I can't have a beer with friends or eat that ice cream cone. Whatever it is, it won't be a second thought compared to the way I know I will feel at my healthiest. I know I will stumble. I know that I am not going to have perfect days every day. The key will be to turn it around from that very moment- not let the binges and the food fests last days or weeks. Not to vow to "start again next week" as I so frequently do.

Alright, it's time to get out in the sunshine and soak up some good-feeling rays and get some endorphins going so I can head to work tonight with the right attitude. Wish me luck because HERE I GO!!