Two Steps Forward/Three Steps Back

Well last week was awesome. I jumped into jeans that had actually never graced my ass since I brought them home from the store. I looked and felt awesome when I went to visit D last week. I stayed OP while I was at his house. I worked out while I was at his house. I KNEW I'd see a major loss Saturday on the scale.

I had like 15 points left over for dinner on Friday night. I ate them all, but I made the age-old mistake of having sushi for dinner the night before weigh in. I've done this before and it's never a good combination for me. Even though I eat the low sodium soy sauce, it's still tons of sodium, let's be honest. As a result, even though I had a "light" dinner, the sodium showed on the scale with a big fat MAINTAIN.

Then I went straight into a very hectic and scary three nights at work. Very unstable patients, no understanding from the higher ups that we were stretched too thin on our very busy, very hectic floor. As a result, we had a patient fall and a code blue within an hour of each other this morning at 6am. Bad things always happen at 6am when we are stretched beyond our means. I just wish upper management would pick up on this. I was lucky to be able to eat anything at all this weekend while at work, therefore, I shoveled whatever I could into my mouth. I am over it, and completely finished eating for the night tonight. I'm ready for a healthy breakfast in the morning, and ready to plan some awesome goodies for the rest of this week when my mom visits, who is also on Weight Watchers. I think her visit is really going to pump me up. She's lost somewhere around 25 pounds in about 2-3 months. I'm a little ticked that her weight loss is going so much faster than mine, however, she is also way more dedicated. She has less things to derail her. Her weeks are the same, day in and day out. I just have to realize that our lives are at different paces right now, and that any loss is a good loss for me. As long as I keep losing and not gaining up until I have a new job in the fall, I will be ecstatic.

I found myself looking at wedding dresses online recently, and daydreaming about my dream wedding, and thinking to myself, "Why isn't this ENOUGH to drive me to stay on track 100% of the time?!" I don't know that answer. I've struggled with that for years. Maybe I should stop focusing on events as reasons to lose weight. Maybe I should just focus on being the best me that I can be. I think this includes being a little better to myself when planning meals to take to work. I've been stuck in a rut of relying on convenience foods for work, which often leave me lusting for something more satisfying. Every thing I bring to work is a type of packaged food: cheese sticks, yogurt, Lean Cuisines/Smart Ones, instant cream of wheat, etc. It actually grosses me out. I really need ideas on quick things to pack that are actually home made, and not out of a box. If anyone can offer advice here, that would be awesome. I really usually have about 10-15 minutes to make something. I mean, I work 12 hours, I'm asleep for 8, and have 4 hours for commuting, showering and tending to anything that needs to be done before work in those three day spans. I am often super tired and don't feel like doing much more than throwing some junk in a bag and rolling out the door. As a result, I am often not even craving the food I bring with me, which leads me on a food search where I often end up eating really unhealthy things. (Read: Snickers, Twizzlers, Ice Cream, random leftovers in our break room). I am tired of feeling gross about my work food choices!! The hospital cafeteria is closed at night, so this is not an option. Either I bring it, or it comes from a vending machine or a takeout guy. Not a lot of healthy options.

Anyway, I'm really bummed about how awfully work went this weekend. I wish I could quit my job today, but realize I am very lucky to even have a job, no matter how stressful and miserable it can sometimes be. I look at my morbidly obese coworkers and can't help but think that I am headed straight down that path if I keep "eating my stress" so to speak at work. I have no doubts that the floor that I've spent my first three years of nursing on, is the craziest, most unstable, scary, busy, stressful place to work. In a way, it gives me confidence, because I know I can manage to work ANYWHERE after this mess. On the other hand, I can't help but feel like it's also been a setback to my personal life. I need more balance! Right now I just want to veg out, watch 90210 and Idol, and NOT THINK about death, heart rhythms, blood or sadness. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am more than ready to embrace it and turn this week around! This means I have three days of C25K training in a row to face. I know this is not the way the training was meant to be used, but such is life. I've been having dreams of running and feeling like it was effortless, like I was floating on air. I want that in my life. I know being a runner will bring me great joy and stress relief. I actually can't wait to run tomorrow!