Under Pressure

Whenever I have a project deadline, I thrive on starting it and finishing it at the last possible minute. Under pressure, I have the most creative ideas. Under pressure, I may overlook a small detail here and there, but I still work better than if I start early on something, which leads me to nitpick until I have a mangled mess.

In college (both times), I always thrived on doing every assignment, every paper, every studying gig at the last possible minute. There were many a test studied for in my car the morning of, just 30 minutes or so before the test started. I do well with the whole primacy and recentcy theory.

Working well under pressure is what I would say is THE number one reason I manage to do my job on my floor at the hospital without losing my mind, and not to brag, but I think I have some crazy good time management skills.

So WHY is it, dear interweb readers, that I tend to have the hardest time staying true to Weight Watchers whenever some life deadline is looming near? Why is it that when there is a time frame that I would have like to be as thin as I can possibly and healthily be, I screw it up? It is SUCH a mind game. This week, the pressure of knowing that I have just one short week, to try to make it as close to under 200 as possible is really throwing me for a loop, and this is nothing new.

Last year, I knew for about ten months that my friend Ginger was getting married and that I was to be a bridesmaid. As much as I hate getting fitted for dresses, standing in front of a crowd, walking down the aisle, I still wanted to look and feel my best. And in the next year almost, I actually managed to GAIN weight instead of lose it. I look at my arms in those wedding pics, my double chin, and I just cringe. And I get SO mad at myself. Because I had unreasonable expectations, which ultimately led me to turn the scale in the wrong direction. To attest to how embarrassing and humiliating this is, I will reveal to you that I did a dumb girl thing for her wedding and bought a bridesmaid dress nearly two sizes too small, thinking that would provoke me to lose crazy amounts of weight. When it came down to the wire and I realized that it wasn't going to happen, I couldn't actually get a bigger size. So I had to either back out of the wedding, or get it altered somehow. Fortunately, my dress had a sash, and the seamstress was able to work a miracle and take half of the sash and turn it into two panels on the back so that I could actually squeeze into it. Don't you THINK I would have learned my lesson?

Here I sit, the afternoon before my last night of work, with vacation starting in just 4 more days, and I have absolutely been teetering on the edge. I had a "free day", if you will on Saturday, and resumed counting points on Sunday. Since I knew I probably technically used up all my WPA on Saturday with that barbecue sandwich, fries, onion rings and a milkshake that I had, not to mention my leftover pasta, I really wanted to avoid going over my points any this week to guarantee a loss. I know my body, and I know that I've gotten away with murder before in terms of doing something devious, but scrambling to get back on track and still managing to have a loss- but I don't like the way it FEELS. It feels shady. Oh, and I didn't exercise yesterday like I said I would. I guess I should know now that on my first night back to work, when sometimes on the way home the next morning, I realize I've been awake for 18-24 hours, that I probably should just accept that all I am going to do is sleep until it's time to go back to work that night. Yup, exercise is just not in the cards that day, no matter how desperate I feel.

I'm 7 points into my WPA as of today. If I reason with myself, in order not to just give it all up at this point, I'm actually probably still okay. I reset my points a little lower recently, bringing me from 29, to 28 by doing that points quiz on WW Online. I changed my answer from saying that my job has me on my feet the entire time, to some sitting/some walking. Now truly, I am ON my feet and running my ass off all 12 hours at work. But I only do it three days per week, so I felt like I was taking advantage of that system by claiming that I was walking and doing heavy work all week long, despite the fact that my whole work week is crammed into a 36-hour, three day period. And I AM extra hungry when I'm running my ass off. So usually I'll credit myself 3-4 extra points on work nights. This, combined with eating mini meals every 2-3 hours, really helps me balance myself and not go crazy at work. So, these past two nights, I've managed to just be in about the 31-32 point range, which really, isn't going crazy.

The problem that I have is that I have not at all stuck to what I'd planned on eating and have spent the last two mornings coming home and eating a buffet of low-fat snacks. Sure, it's better than stopping at a fast food place in the morning, or getting a bagel or doughnuts, but it's pretty shameful to keep a running tally in my head, of say, 10-12 points, go to bed, wake up and try to track it all and end up putting something like, "12 points worth of CRAP" into my WW Online journal. That just doesn't feel like I'm making my best effort. I get mad because, while at least I tracked it, I would have felt so much more well-rounded and healthy had I taken five minutes to make some scrambled eggbeaters and toast with a side of fruit once I got home from work. But no, I chose to sack out on the couch with turkey pepperoni, granola bars, 1o0 calorie chocolate bars, cheese sandwiches, etc. Not a fruit or veggie in sight. Gross. And the bloat in my stomach totally echoes that sentiment.

So now I'm in panic mode, and I just agreed to have beers with a friend on Wednesday. I am still not in the territory of feeling 100% comfortable going to bars, because I'm still working on my self-control when it comes to beer or liquor. I have all but stopped drinking, save but a beer or two on occasion since I recommitted to Weight Watchers. I keep thinking I'll ease back into it once I feel more in control of myself, but so far, I still struggle with going over my 2 beer limit, which ultimately leads me to not only consume too much alcohol, but also to go home and raid the pantry, or order out.

So I have to create a plan fast in order to survive and *hopefully* come out with a loss this Saturday, just prior to taking off for vacation. This morning as I was just climbing into bed, I thought to myself, "You need to get yourself together and have a good rest of the week because you know that vacation will feel so much better if you go into it a couple pounds lighter as compared to going into it knowing that you were careless in the last week and put on a few pounds. After all, you know it will be very hard to have a loss after vacation week is over, and you will likely be prepping yourself for a big 'back on track week' once you return. You don't want to be up against needing to lose 5-6 pounds that you've managed to regain. Finish this week out feeling strong and proud, not losery and on your way to an open door of food and alcohol on vacation. That could be a very slippery slope."

And I must have heard myself, because I woke up early, and I plan on getting in a workout here in the next few minutes and still managing to have time to pack a good lunch and have a decent dinner before heading back in to work. I am precepting a new nurse tonight, so it should be an okay night. I think being a preceptor is probably the hardest thing for me to do at work. I can't tell you the number of times I've been orienting someone new and they annoy me the entire time and don't live up to my fabulous time management skills. I've worked very hard to be more patient and to realize that a new nurse isn't going to operate like me at all. I have to take myself back to that place, and that is very hard. I worked with this girl on Saturday and I have to say, her thinking pattern is pretty spot on with mine, not to mention she is totally open to suggestion and easy going. That is a tremendous help. Not to mention, we were so busy the other night that, time flew by, and I didn't really have time to think about food. No time to be tempted by coworkers ordering pizza or chinese and no thoughts of getting gross things from the vending machine.

The plan for Tues-Fri is to get in some good hardcore workouts, assuming that my shin splints don't make another appearance. I'm going to change around some of my running training this week, which is still very much mostly walking with a little running thrown in. I'm going to do shorter intervals so that I'm running in small 30-60 second "bursts" instead of pounding the treadmill for 5 or more minutes, as this seems to be when the shin splints creep back up, despite stretching and some of the longest warmup sessions I've ever done. I've never had this problem before, and I can't decide if it's because I'm getting old, or because I simply weigh too much right now to run. I also have some healthy meals planned, and I'm going to have to do a lot of storyboarding and positive self talk in order to stick to my two beer rule on Wednesday night. And I'm not meeting my friend until I've put in a good hour plus at the gym that day. I have to EARN those beers! I can do this, I can still have a loss on Saturday and head to the beach feeling fabulous. Am I fatter than I'd hoped to be six months ago when we started planning this trip? Of course. My weight loss has been SLOW this time, but you know what else I realized this morning when I was trying to remind myself that I was making some pretty great progress? That I actually weigh less now, than I did nearly three and a half years ago when I moved back to NC after finishing nursing school. That in all that time, I never managed to be smaller than I am now. That I weigh less than when I met D. That I weigh less than I did two summers ago, when I was feeling pretty okay about myself.

But I also realized that getting under 200 before D-day is probably unreasonable, given that that would be more than 25% of what I've lost in the last six months. So yeah, I'll be thrilled with even a 1-2 pound loss! Because I KNOW I will get under 200. And that even if in the next five months, just before I turn thirty, another 10-15 pounds lost would be fabulous. I've realized that I can't have unreasonable expectations and not crack under pressure, this week being a prime example. I know I will get to goal, but it has to be in a way that doesn't make me feel crazy and stressed and uncomfortable, you know? I should know by now that doing that to myself does NOT ultimately lead to mega weight loss for me.

Ahhh, I feel better. I feel positive. I'm looking forward to rocking all my cute dresses and things at the beach. I want to have fun and feel good about myself. I know that this will keep me on track the rest of this week. I know that I haven't actually done as horrible as I'd had myself feeling, and that by making an effort to track my points, even if it just said "10 points of horrible choices", that I DID track, and it DID make me see that this is not a lost cause for this pre-vacation week. How very empowering just reasoning with yourself can be!