An End to All-or-Nothingness

I think I suffer from something that many, many people suffer from. All-or-Nothingness.

Yes, that's right. I am not a Type A personality by any means, but when it comes to dieting, if I can't take the perfectionist route, then I can't seem to manage. And this is a problem. Why is this a problem? Because unless you have a personal chef who hand-delivers your meals and snacks and then subsequently follows you around all day to monitor your progress and keep you from cheating, there ARE going to be roadblocks.

I try to think back to my very first successful attempt at losing weight. I was 21 years old. I was in college. I went to classes from 8-5pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I had an 8-5 job on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. AND, I partied like a rock star. I get so mad at myself whenever I realize that at almost 3o years old, my metabolism no longer supports this lifestyle. But what I tend to forget is that I was NOT perfect. Not by a long shot. Oh no, there were many a day where I started out perfectly on plan, but later ditched homework in favor of a night out with the girls that ended in a McDonald's splurge after way too many beers. How did I handle it differently though? What kept me from just giving up right then and there and deciding that dieting and changing my eating habits were for the birds? And, most importantly, how did things like this happen from time to time without keeping me from meeting my goals? After all, I was in my sveltest form at that time. I lost weight about every 2 weeks, averaging out to 1-2 pounds per week.

It's because I had a routine. I went to the gym every day. If I messed up one night after some supreme debauchery, I got back up the next day and jumped right back in to my healthy routine. It was only when I gave this up for the simplicity and convenience of fast food and nights spent on the couch in favor of on the elliptical or treadmill that the weight started creeping back up. And eight years later, I have a nasty habit of choosing easy over hard. Of tricking myself into thinking that making the RIGHT choices takes far too much effort. Of forgetting that choosing the healthy choice literally takes maybe five extra minutes of planning and prepping as compared to the ease of fast food and unwise choices. I've forgotten how to get back on the horse IMMEDIATELY after falling off. Instead, I've gotten into the habit of wallowing around in the dirt for far too long before getting back up.

This is my struggle. There is no balance here. There is no forgiveness when I break. And this is why I yo-yo. And so I hereby proclaim:

I quit this bitch.

Yup, that's right. I quit. Quit what, you might ask? No worries, I'm not resigning myself to a life of obesity. No damn way. I have too much to lose (literally) by doing that. Instead, I am quitting being a perfectionist. I never liked it anyway! I don't give myself a hard time and quit my job whenever I'm not perfect. I don't quit paying my bills for a month or two whenever times are tough. No. So why should each week of attempted weight loss be the same? There is NO reason why I should stop all attempts to lose weight if I flub for an instant. No reason, whatsoever, why I should continue to suffer from "I'll start next Monday" syndrome any more! In fact, since I re-started my journey in November, I sit at only 9.6 pounds lost. That, my friends, is what happens when you cant do the following:

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and MOVE ON!

Oh yes my friends, this is going to be epic. This entails me revealing my dirtiest journals to my girlfriends whom I have an email journal club with. I've already tried it a little last week, and I think I inspired one of my friends to do the same. No more "Oops, I forgot to send my journal for the last three days." Nope, because that likely means I've decided to call it quits for the week. Instead, I'm tracking every morsel that goes into my mouth, no matter how painful. And if at the end of the day, I'm in a 100 point deficit, I'm going to challenge myself to forge ahead and try to have a loss for that week anyway, because obviously my system of "one good week, two bad weeks" has gotten me onto a roller coaster with my weight loss. It's gotten me into the habit of one step forward, too many steps back. It's not healthy. It means I haven't changed my true habits. And after all, as you're all probably sick of hearing, this is a lifestyle change, NOT a diet. That's what I've failed at realizing for so many years, and hence, why I still struggle with my weight.

I know some of you are familiar with Dotti's Weight Loss Zone (www.dwlz.com) as a points reference for all things fast food restaurant. Well, she also has a saying that I'm very fond of in these times.

One day at a time, no guilt, and move on!

I've always liked this. This shall be my mantra moving forward. After all, normal people who have always had normal body weights their whole lives DO overeat. And they do things like my old chum Mirjam (from Holland) does. She said to me one day after I was griping that I was so full from a very gluttonous lunch, "So Brianna, just don't eat dinner. Or if you have to have SOMETHING before bed, just have a tea and a piece of fruit." I remember myself and my friend Nicole looking at her like she was crazy, but the reality is, that is what NORMAL people do all the time! They might overdo it, but they scale back in other areas. Do they kill themselves in the process? No way! But they don't let one little meal wreck their entire existence and go on to gain 1o pounds in a couple of months.

My weigh-in results this morning? 208. Exactly the same as last week. That's okay. No guilt here. I had a doozy of a week with being sick at the beginning and working an extra shift towards the end. I WILL survive this week. In fact, I'm challenging myself to have one of my biggest losses to date next Saturday. Because I'm going to break the habit of failing for 2-3 days (or more) in a row after a screw up. And this is even "anniversary week". I'm headed to the glorious North Carolina treasure, The Angus Barn, with Dave for our 2-year anniversary. Yes, I will plan accordingly, but even if I overdo it, that won't mean that the week is shot. Ya hear me world?!!? Raaaaarrrrrrr!!!