Time to Move On

Hello internet world. When last I blogged, I was pretty upset.

You see, I first encountered Weight Watchers the summer before my junior year in college. I lost around 20 pounds and got down to about 145, which was my weight in high school. I still could have stood to lose more, but the fact is, I'm STILL buzzing off the confidence I had back then. Through Weight Watchers, religious use of my college gym, occasional running and spending lots of my free time engaging in sports like tennis and racquetball with my friends, I found a confidence in myself that I'd never had before. I could fit into (some of) my other skinny friends' clothes. Men hit on me. I was told I was beautiful. My head swelled. My heart was filled with pride. I started to believe that maybe my mom wasn't "just saying that" whenever she told me I was gorgeous, or what a cute figure I had.

But the stone cold truth is that that was over 10 years ago. I'm 30 years old now and for the last 10 years I've been "doing" Weight Watchers and I now weigh over 200 pounds. Obviously I wasn't sticking to the plan the whole time, or I would have never gotten this way, I know that. But, ever since the concept of "points" was introduced to me, not a day has gone by that I haven't at least started the day counting them. I've counted up the number of "activity points" earned during every sweat session since 1999, whether on the plan or not. I've become fixated with numbers in a way that unbeknowest to me until now has become unhealthy.

Yes, Weight Watchers, this is my breakup letter to you. I have plenty of blog friends and real friends who have used you successfully. My own mother is a lifetime member. I am so proud of her, and I only WISH I knew how she did it. You see Weight Watchers, you make me just a little bit crazy. I was so worried about points overages in college, that when I would go out drinking, I would often come home and throw up, blaming it on being "too drunk", when often times I was just more concerned about how that drunk lapse in judgement resulting in a 2am trip to McDonalds was going to affect my weigh in.

I proceeded to berate myself whenever I would go over in points, no matter what the situation could be attributed to. And somehow I kept gaining. I've noticed that I no longer eat until I'm full, because I don't know how many points that's going to result in. If I plan a 10 point dinner, and I eat until full, how many points is that?!? Who knows? Oh God!! What have I done? What if I have a gain this week because I didn't eat enough points. I've read all about that on the Weight Watchers boards. It could happen.

I've stopped eating and drinking any liquids whatsoever by noon whenever I'd go to weeknight meetings. I've eaten nothing but broccoli and drank diet mountain dew after diet mountain dew in desperate attempts to diurese myself into weight loss the night before a weigh in. I've stopped eating the foods I like the day before a weigh-in due to the sodium content. I've left myself in physical pain because medicines like Advil and Aleve can cause you to retain water. I've skipped fun, mood-enhancing workouts because I didn't want my muscles to be sore and retain fluids. What kind of life is this?

I've mongered through my Weekly Points Allowance in a matter of minutes some weeks, because I felt deprived. Sure, it's a "lifestyle change" for some, but for others like me, it's like running inside a giant hamster wheel. Some days I really feel energized and productive and healthy, and other days, I just feel like I'm running in place. For 10 years I've felt that way. I just couldn't admit it to myself.

Admitting that Weight Watchers isn't for me would mean admitting defeat. It would mean I was out there in the world, all alone, with no mathematical formula to tell me if I was going to lose weigh this week! Weight Watchers, you've become very much like my ex-boyfriend: you mess with my mind too much, you make me feel like I can't be successful or get healthy on my own. You make me feel BAD about myself. But you've hung onto me, and I to you, for way, way too long.

I know some of our mutual friends will be mad at me, Weight Watchers. My intent is not to make them feel bad about succeeding on the program. I haven't even been able to tell my mom we're breaking up. It just seems wrong as she has just applied to be a leader, and here I am blasting you. I really DO wish that everything in your program would click for me and I could reach my goal weight with you. I do want you to know that I'm not jumping ship entirely. Just like any relationship, I'll take some good lessons learned with me. I still plan on measuring portions and weighing foods in order to make sure I'm not going overboard, I still plan on using your "good health guidelines" every single day. They are wonderful standards to strive towards! I still plan on making exercise an every day part of my life, be it the gym, taking the stairs, parking at the end of the parking lot, etc. You have taught me some good tips over the years, but it's time for me to discover what the world of food and exercise have in store for me all by myself. Without your help. Thank you for all you have taught me, and for that fabulous boost in confidence back when I was 20 years old. You helped make my last two years of college an absolute blast. Thank you.

This week I've been cheating on you anyway. I've been practicing the art of actually listening to my body, and telling my head to take a hike whenever my emotions have driven me to reach for something in the fridge or pantry. Some of the conversations have gone like this:

"Man, that smells good. What IS that smell? Must be hamburgers. I want to go home and eat dinner again. Am I hungry? No. I am not. I am just enjoying a very pleasant smell right now. I think if I even remember this smell tomorrow, maybe I'll make hamburgers then. It's nice how smells can prompt you to think of things to cook for later. What a concept."

"I should get the salad. Do I want a salad? No. I crave popcorn shrimp. I haven't eaten popcorn shrimp since probably junior high or high school because they are fried. Man, I could devour this whole plate. No, actually, I'm good with just having eaten about half my plate. And the best news is that now I have dinner all boxed up. Two meals for $7.95 is pretty sweet."

"I think I'll try that purple sleeveless shirt on. Yes, the one that I never wear because it hugs me in all the wrong places. Hey, what do you know? It doesn't look half bad! I'm going to wear it with jeans today for casual Friday. I actually feel good in this!"

So, for now I don't totally know where I'm going. I'm re-reading material on intuitive eating. I'm really making a concentrated effort to NOT eat due to emotions, and let me tell you, it is HARD. Especially when you aren't associating it with a points value. I have no idea what is going to happen here. My main goal is to make it until my wedding in October without outgrowing my wedding dress. If I lose weight, fabulous. I just want to focus on choosing healthy 80% of the time, and honoring my hunger 100% of the time. I want to wholeheartedly focus on getting to the bottom of why I am an emotional eater. I will still blog, I will still read blogs of fellow Weight Watchers. I will still use Weight Watcher recipes. But, I am just taking some time to enjoy my life. What has become of it as of late has been miserable. I really don't like "Weight Watcher Brianna".

I've started reading the following blog, and it's very inspiring:

http://healthyandsane.com/

Look for me to start adding to my reading list more blogs about intuitive eating and living a healthy lifestyle free of the almighty point.

*Deep breath*

Please wish me luck and be supportive, internet world. :)