Intuitively Me

I'd be lying if I said that not counting points, calories in/calories out, fat grams, fiber, etc. wasn't the most terrifying thing ever. It really is. Especially when you've been counting since your teens. This past week wasn't one I'd write out and frame in terms of my eating, that is for sure, but I've noticed some key things about myself:

• I tend to eat more when I'm tired. I had several nights this week where I either went to bed a little too late or didn't sleep well, or both. You see, my sweet Dave is a major night owl. I used to consider myself one too, but here lately my bedtime is getting earlier and earlier. This week he had an insane work schedule, and so I wanted to be sure we had quality time at night. As a result, I skipped over things like pre-programming my coffee pot and packing my lunch and gym clothes the night before work. While I did get in 4 workouts this week, 2 of them at work during lunch (boot camp), I definitely made several less-than-stellar food choices. The positive side of this is that I took very careful mental notes as to when I seemed to make hasty decisions regarding food. It all usually goes to hell when I'm super tired and/or pressed for time.

• I go for sweets and rich foods whenever I'm stressed. A couple times this week I was home alone for dinner after some stressful work days. Coincidentally, these were also the days that I took boot camp class at work. Those classes absolutely kick my ass. But, they are fun, and I feel fabulous afterward (although it does seem to take me 2-3 hours to stop sweating at my desk. Maybe this will get better when it's not 100 degrees outside). At any rate, I'd come home tired from class, a little stressed from work, and totally ready do devour things like cheese, bread, and chocolate. It would have been fine to have a little of these things as a treat, but that is proving very hard for me to do when I'm drifting towards emotional eating.

A prime example of some emotional eating took place yesterday afternoon. I was plugging along at work, working on a case that I knew was going to take me all day long, but that was okay, because I'd ensured that I'd taken care of all my other deadlines so I could sink my teeth into this meaty case (I write narrative reports on serious adverse events that take place while people are on clinical trials. Very interesting to me, but I won't bore the rest of the internet world with the details). What I did not plan for were all the cases that came back to my desk in a Friday flurry before they went to medical review. You see, after I write up the cases, someone "proof reads" them, and then they return them to me for minor edits and revisions.

Since I'm a n00b, I do spend a lot of my time making minor revisions right now until I can get the hang of the many, many rules our client has set forth for our team. It's just hard to plan for those all coming back to your desk! So, I didn't even get to start my big case until almost 11am. Then I realized that there was an issue with it, so I had to give it to someone else to fix. I decided I'd make good use of that time and instead of waiting around with nothing to do, I'd run out and get a salad from Moe's with tofu, and no fried shell. I brought it back to work and the case had been returned to me so I furiously tore through my salad while working on this case while everyone else was at an office-hosted bridal shower for a coworker of mine. I had to politely beg off from the event as I just knew there was no time for an hour-long break. As the clock struck 4pm, I emailed the person who proof reads my cases to let them know that it would not likely be on their desk by 5pm. That wasn't an issue because usually if they are due by close of business, they don't even pick it up until the next day.

I go about my merry way, thinking at worst, I'd probably be done by 5:15 or so. No worries. I'd even decided at this point that I might stay until 5:30 and spend a few extra minutes organizing my things for Monday. Then at about 4:20, I get a phone call from a coworker, only to realize that one of the cases I thought was due on Monday, was actually also due on Friday. Frantic, I happened upon leftover bridal shower food in an empty cubicle. Before I could say ctrl+alt+delete, I had inhaled three cookies, about 1/3 cup of spinach dip and 10 or so wheat thins. That dip was sickeningly salty, and it looked more like it was seasoned with a few sprinkles of spinach, versus containing enough spinach that I could pass it off as semi-healthy. I instantly felt bloated, ashamed and even more panicked. To make a long story short, my computer decided that 5:15 would be the ideal time to stop letting anything that was a PDF file work. I rebooted, I stomped, I prayed, I submitted a help desk request that won't even be seen until Monday, and finally, I scared the hell out of the Mexican cleaning lady when I stammered out of my cube muttering, "shit, shit, shit" at 7:15. I left shortly after that and I decided I'd just have a very small portion of tomatoes, fresh mozzerella, basil, olive oil and balsamic when I got home, only to discover a very rancid-smelling cheese in the fridge. "Shit, shit, shit" was becoming the phrase of the evening. I ordered pizza. I only had 3 slices when my funky mood could have alloted for 4-5 plus breadsticks, but at least I didn't go there.

I didn't hammer myself with guilt, though. I know that ordering pizza after that whole mess of a day might have occurred to someone without a food problem too. It's just the whole frantic grabbing of the leftover bridal shower food that didn't really need to happen, and if I'd taken 2 minutes to step back and really evaluate the situation, I probably would have thought better of it.

• I have no idea what I weigh right now. Judging from my clothes, I'd say I haven't really gained weight. I actually had a few moments last week where I felt like maybe I'd lost some weight, probably thanks to boot camp twice a week and the twice weekly hurtin' that my trainer puts on me. My focus has just been on trying to learn how to eat like a normal person and exercise because I like the way it makes me feel, not to determine how many calories I've burned only to translate them into activity points that I'll later talk myself into eating, whether hungry or not. I'd venture to say I'm doing about the same amount of eating right now that I would do on Weight Watchers. I might be spending more "points" because I'm eating things I crave and love, rather than thinks I think I need to have because they are the most "point-friendly".

Sorry for the total brain dump. I will say this: I think Weight Watchers does work long term for a very select few people, many who are folks who have tried and failed the program many times before finally "having the lightbulb go off", whatever that means, but I think it has the potential to create some disordered eating patterns and behaviors, even though that may not be their intent. In fact, I'm sure they spend lots of research dollars trying to find ways to help people with these issues.

Where I'm at right now is just trying to find a place of peace in my heart with my relationship with food. I'm trying to listen to my body and hopefully eventually learn a way of eating only when I'm hungry, and taking as much of the emotional component of eating out of the equation as possible. I try to closely observe Dave's behaviors as he is naturally skinny and eats whatever he wants. The thing is, you almost never see him mindlessly eating just to eat (unless he's had one too many beers) and he always stops when he's full. He has no problem pushing his plate away and wrapping up the leftovers when he senses that his body has had enough. And though it may be a lengthy and hard journey, with many bumps in the road, that too is the person that I strive to be.

I have tried very hard in the last few weeks to take the focus off food and work on home projects, wedding projects and the like. Here's a peek at some sprouts of seedlings in my little herb garden that I planted behind our house, as well as some hybiscus bushes we planted. I hate that pine straw, but our back yard is covered in tall pines, so it's like free mulch. Just wish I could pretty it up a little. Well, hopefully one day soon it will be swarming with herbs! :)