Half-Assing

I've been half-assing and I know it. Do you know how I know it? Besides the obvious feelings of guilt, I'm up 1.8 pounds this week. The good news: D and I worked out together at his gym while I was there. The bad news: I still ate like crap and the only thing I journaled while I was there was one Sweet and Salty Nut Bar. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?!?

I seriously do this every time I go see him. This is about every 2 weeks. If I lose 2-3 pounds on a "good" week, and then gain or maintain every 2 weeks when I see him, my weight loss stalls. And, it has. Big time. And I've got 4 months until I have to be in a swimsuit in front of 10 of his friends.

I had this thought just before falling asleep last night that perfectly summarized my attitude as of late regarding counting points, making sure I get in exercise, etc. Basically it was an observation about how I'm only good at Weight Watchers when it's easy for me, and I'm not trying at all when the going gets tough. And let's face it- I work a crazy ass schedule and I'm pretty much never home. I don't get the same amount of down time as most people. This just means I should be working HARDER, not just feeling sorry for myself and hoping for the best, which is something I've been guilty of my whole life, despite it being very evident that it doesn't work that way.

I originally started Weight Watchers as a 20-year-old in college. I was busy. I was working 24 hours/week at an internship plus taking 15-18 hours of classes. But somehow I managed to make my breakfast every night, pack my lunch and get in at least 30 minutes of exercise 6 days a week. Whatever I had coming to me the following day, I always made a plan for it. And I stuck to it for the most part. Sure, there were bumps in the road, but it seems like that as a girl in my early twenties, I handled it much, much better than I have the last 5 years in my late twenties. I guess the key ingredient that was missing in my early twenties was stress. I was busy, but looking back, I didn't feel stressed. At least not the way I felt stressed when I was unhappy with my first job, when I went back to nursing school and realized that I just floated through college the first time, with no real clue of what it meant to study. Not the stress that I feel as an adult with a mortgage, a weight problem, and a job where probably 50% of my patients eventually die.

But during all this, Weight Watchers has essentially stayed the same. Sure, the plan has had a few different names in the last decade, but the overall message is the same. And you'd think that in this chaotic life that I lead, I would WELCOME the control and stability that comes with knowing and being able to calculate what I'm putting in my body and what I'm burning off in terms of exercise. Now I know everyone has their ups and downs on the program, and I know it's normal to stall out, or have a couple of bad weeks, but we're talking 4-5 years of doing Weight Watchers for a little while and then giving up. Repeating this cycle up until October of this year where I weighed in at 218. My highest weight ever.

I do NOT want to continue down this path. I know that if I give up on Weight Watchers one more time, I may come back next time weighing in at 225, 250. When I stopped doing Weight Watchers my senior year of college, it was because I had "too much going on". I thought I could do it on my own. What I didn't realize is that while I had the points-counting and the exercise down pat, I did not have a good grip on the healthy eating habits. I still don't. My ego gets in the way of learning sometimes. I think to myself, "Heh, I'm a nurse. I know all this crap. "

This week I'm opening myself up to exploring more about changing my habits. There are a lot of nasty ones that I need to break. There are a lot of notions that I need to change. My only goals this week are to plan ahead and spend some time self-exploring. I should have time to do this. I got cancelled at work yesterday because they were overstaffed, then I'm only working 3-11 today. I work my ONE night shift tomorrow night and then I'm off until next Saturday night. I have Tues-Sat to spend time reading, planning, and starting fresh with Weight Watchers. It's the only way that I can think of to succeed at this point. And despite my ups and downs, I really want to succeed.