Last Wednesday evening, I tried to save a life. I failed. This was not in the hospital, it was on the side of the road. I had nothing but my bare hands for nearly 10 minutes until EMS arrived. My gut tells me it didn't matter. But, the whole situation was senseless, and heartbreaking, and that's about all I'm willing to say right now.
It led me into a spiral. First, every time I put food into my mouth, I kept thinking I'd probably throw up, so I didn't eat a lot for the first couple of days. Drinking- now that's a different story. It was very easy to keep the alcohol flowing in favor of food, which, looking back I realize was not a healthy behavior. After the shock wore off, I went into "I don't care" mode. I figured I could make up for the last couple of days. I still guesstimate I wasn't eating very much, but I definitely gave into a lot of cravings over the weekend, as I went back to work in the hospital and tried to distract myself.
Despite several people questioning if being back at work was the right choice, I do think it was. It was a welcome distraction. There were people in the hospital that I could HELP. I still caught myself overlooking things and doing things that were not the norm for me while I was at work, and as a result, my whole day came crashing down around me on Sunday morning while at work. Thanks to my excellent work family, and the knowledge that some of them had as to what had happened to me last week, they pulled me through. And, I pulled myself through with some pizza, mac and cheese and ice cream.
Fortunately, it's only Wednesday and I don't WI until Friday- I could even push it to Saturday if necessary. I can drink water and exercise and probably be fine. I may maintain this week, and that's ok. I hope that what happened last week, never happens again. I hope that I can talk about it in more detail one day too, so as not to be so cryptic. But what I realized is that, life events, no matter how big or small, good or bad, traumatic or ecstatic- can all be an excuse to make unhealthy decisions that affect my weight.
I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to keep waiting for that "perfect week" where the stars align an the weight loss efforts are easy. Because it's never going to happen. And life is too short to be fat and unhappy.
This brings me to last night's Biggest Loser episode. Ohhh, Joelle. You know, she seems a little "off", but I've been in her shoes. I've done Weight Watchers 12,456 times, so there HAVE to have been some times when I was in straight up denial, lying to myself that I had been working intensely and "just couldn't understand" why the scale wasn't moving down. At least now I KNOW. I know that when I have a bad week, it's because I didn't fight. I know that is why my weightloss has been so slow this time around too, but I'm not giving up. Instead I continue to try to create avenues that help me to be sucessful on this journey and recognize that it's OKAY that I can't do Weight Watchers like I did when I was 21 years old. It's OKAY to accept that my body, my habits and my daily stressors have all changed drastically in 8 years. It's okay to realize that it might take time to rework the program so that it works for me again. I just get jealous of the fact that these people on The Biggest Loser get to make weight loss their full-time jobs. If I could do that, I'd be skinny in no time!! But I also wouldn't want to be as big as they are. At 210 and 29 years of age, I have some hope that when I get to my goal weight, I won't have loose skin and the need to surgically correct it. Ahh, ok, tangent over.
I'm keeping myself PLENTY busy this week to keep my mind off things I have no control over. I'm giving blood today (assuming my hemoglobin is high enough- I've been eating more spinach than Popeye, so here's hoping! Still not eating a lot of meat and well, that may never change), getting my eyes checked, gymming it, and tomorrow I've booked a massage and a facial, which I am really in need of right now. DBF and I have some fun weekend plans too!
Oh, and I've discovered a new love in my life. Porters. I've only just begun to like dark beers and I've got to say, porters have changed my life. I'm a little lost on the points though- are dark beers more pointy than regular beers? I'm thinking 3 points for a bottle, but I don't want to under-guess and screw myself.
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