Changing Directions

Weight 215.2
Loss: 0.8

I did not count a single point this past week. Sure, I thought about them, but as soon as my mind started turning and spinning in a thousand different directions, citing calories and fat grams and points, and minutes of exercise required to burn it off, I shouted "NO!" in my head and shut it all down. And it felt amazing. I definitely ate more than needed at some points this week, but my focus is starting to shift. I'm practicing "intuitive eating" on the recommendation of a nurse practitioner friend who has also struggled with weight. I ordered a book on the subject this week and joined the intuitive eating website and newsletter.

The fact of the matter is, I started Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 20 years old, and I weighed 172. I remember being appalled at that number. It took me about 10 months, but I lost close to 20 pounds. I looked great and felt even better. Then, my senior year rolled around. I was working almost full-time, going to school full-time, and going through very emotional times with a boyfriend who delighted in stringing me along. I ate a lot of fast food, and, before I knew it, I was in the 180's.

At some point near the end of nursing school, I remember seeing 199 on the scale. I remember thinking, "Oh, my god. I'm ONE pound away from being 200 pounds." Then I just sort of gave up. I went through two weeks of eating whatever nasty, greasy, unhealthy fast food I could cram in my mouth. I remember using money my mom gave me on shopping sprees at the grocery store. I specifically remember polishing off an entire container of mini brownie muffins. I'm pretty sure I washed it down with lard. All the while I was chastising myself, thinking of all the points I had consumed in those couple of weeks. I was so embarrassed, but I felt like I'd reached such a low that I'd never be able to survive getting back on track with Weight Watchers.

The next several years, I teetered back and forth in the 200's, sometimes losing 5-10 pounds, but always, ALWAYS getting frustrated and feeling guilty whenever I couldn't make Weight Watchers work for me. My peak weight is 218, and I'm not far from that right now. It makes me so sad and frustrated. For all you successful people doing Weight Watchers, please don't be offended. I KNOW it works. My mom just made lifetime and I have plenty of blog-friends who are making the most of the program and having a lot of success. At at time, it worked for me as well. But, after 10 years, it's just not working. I'm embarrassed it's taken me this long to realize it.

Let me explain what Weight Watchers does to my head. I start out with the best of intentions. Usually this means using my Weight Watchers meal plan spreadsheet and plotting out every meal for the upcoming week. Then I grocery shop. Then inevitably something happens inside my brain as events change during the week. I have an unexpected moment of weakness involving a sandwich at work, or, dinner plans at home get ditched for a night out with friends. It's like I lose all control. And when I lose control, it makes me give up all together. Either for that night, or for the rest of the week. I veer so far off track, and I spend every waking minute berating myself and telling myself what a failure I am. I end up chucking all my goals. I end up feeling hopeless. I stress eat. Then I tally up the points I've spent on my binge and end up feeling like I've failed some kind of life test. I hate this. I hate that I can't make something work that seems so amazingly simple.

So, I'm changing my focus. I only have this one body. So, I'm working on learning (or should I say re-learning) how to eat like a normal person again. I did learn several HUGE things from Weight Watchers- and those are the 5 healthy guidelines, portion control, and the value of exercise. I fully plan on incorporating all of these into my new way of life, but I refuse to berate myself if I don't accomplish every single one of these things every day. My focus is just on loving the body that I have and FINALLY treating it with love and respect. I did a lot of online reading on intuitive eating, and one very good tip that I read was that weighing yourself every day is an important way to measure your success. After all, you're not counting points or calories, and not necessarily measuring portions all the time (I still plan on doing this last part as much as I can), therefore daily weigh-ins are a crucial way of keeping on the straight and narrow. But I'm also being sensible about this, and using my prior Weight Watchers knowledge to keep me from focusing TOO much on the scale.

Please wish me luck on this new endeavor. It is extremely scary to try something new after so many years. All I want is success and a peaceful mind.